My book Love & the Goddess deals with the search for love and the nature of love itself. My protagonist Kate who has an interest in Greek mythology, uses the names of three Goddesses from a Greek myth on different dating sites. To get an understanding of how the dating game works I did the research by first employing the username Persephone on plentyoffish.com, then Demeter on anotherfriend.com and finally Hekate on match.com
I have to admit I got quite wrapped up in it initially and was surprised at the amount and variety of men available. I learnt that the username you use definitely says a lot about you and therefore attracts certain types of people. It’s amazing how many women use variations of ‘Thumbelina’, the tiny fairy girl from the Christian Anderson story. For men, variations of James Bond or James 007 are probably among the most popular.
In my case I attracted macho domineering men while using the name Persephone, the maiden aspect of the triple goddess myth. Like the name Thumbelina, it was disempowering and added to my feelings of vulnerability, since I was going through a rough patch in my life. The pictures I used to accompany my profile showed me looking girly, despite my forty something years, so of course they were also a contributory factor in whom I attracted.
A few months later on anotherfriend.com I chose to affiliate myself with the goddess Demeter and since the name was already taken, I called myself Demetriana. This name created quite a stir as men seemed to find it exotic and many of them asked me was I Russian. The photos I posted on this occasion showed me looking more empowered; dressed casually and mostly outdoors in beautiful nature settings. Surprisingly I attracted a lot of attention from young men aged 21 to 32. I wondered were they subconsciously aware that Demeter is the mother Goddess and therefore attracted to me as a mother substitute? Some of the content in emails however would suggest they had something other than mothering in mind. Of the older men I attracted, I did my own little survey by asking questions about their relationship with their mothers and strangely most of them had mammy problems. When I said to one guy –
“Most of the men I meet seem to have mother problems”.
He answered glibly “I have no problem with my mother, I just hate her!”
Overall I met nicer men during my incarnation as Demeter though I never met anyone I really clicked with.
My incarnation as Hekate
Finally on the week preceding Halloween, I put up a profile on match.com using the name Hekate. I certainly couldn’t have been prepared for the pandemonium this would cause. Some men were magnetically drawn to my profile, while scared senseless that I was some kind of wicked enchantress. How could I use the name of the witch Goddess? She whom Shakespeare cast as evil in Macbeth …Goddess of the dark side of the moon and patroness of witches! Mail came pouring in asking me why I would call myself this when I could call myself Aphrodite? The accompanying profile was kick ass – I said I found it hard to meet any man who would interest me. In reply I received mail from high achievers telling me they loved a challenge and begged me to consider them a contender. In fairness I also got the occasional one telling me I was extremely arrogant.
I spoke to some of them on the phone and met three during the Hekate stage, but this time around I was open about telling them I was doing research for my book. I was also getting a bit jaded by the amount of serial dating, where one man seemed to merge into the next in front of my weary eyes. One date (a clinical psychologist) tried to convince me that “If you are interested in personal development, surely the main objective is to heal yourself in order to enter a relationship?” He was so pushy I half expected him to produce a piece of paper to coerce me into signing up to a relationship with him there and then. What’s more he wasn’t the first who had been in a mad rush to get serious. I discovered a lot about the male psyche and one thing I can state emphatically is that men need women more urgently than we need them, finding it very difficult to be alone for any period of time.
Hekate with added Wharolesque spookiness!
Two years later I am still single and delighted to be so, despite the approach of Valentine’s Day. I have learnt to love and accept myself more than I ever did before in my life. I will pamper myself on February 14th by walking in nature, taking a long bath with scented oils and playing soft music. The poetry of Byron, Shelley, Neruda and Rumi are for the lover in all of us, whether we are alone or in a relationship. Love is beautiful but there are other types of love which are as joyful as romantic love, namely friendship and unconditional love for nature and the divinity in all. Sometimes one has to withdraw from the intensity of romantic love in order to truly learn what love is. That I believe has been my path and it is a wonderful learning curve.
Your research sounds very interesting Mary Elizabeth. Very brave too, I might add! The world of internet dating is very strange and I am surpried a name like Thumbelina could be so popular among women. Very funny the reaction to you using the name Hekate. I love the psychology behind human behaviour and you seem to have got right into the Mars/Venus thing. I can’t wait to read your book. When will it be on Kindle?
Thanks for stopping by Jane. Yes a lot of things surprised me, the usernames being only one factor. ‘ONLINE DATING’ is a study in itself – absolutely fascinating. I say I learnt a lot about men, but I might add that I equally learnt a lot about women. We women are more powerful than we realise and should never underestimate ourselves.
There is a gossip aspect to it whereby women tell men their stories about dating and vice versa. Some people are serial daters who have been on all the sites simultaneously for years and they are well known as women warn each other about them.
I could actually write another book about my true experiences but I am not going there, instead choosing to move with a different theme for my next novel. I’ll send you an invite to the Dublin launch since I have your email.
Mary x
I am married 29 years in March and could never imagine online dating. Having said that..I’m sure if the need arose I would definitely try it..Thanks for sharing this. I love it. Re. user names..I was advised to change my twittername as I sounded too wholesome …I used to be @nutrisha..Wholesame I most definitely am not. Cheers
Trish
Thanks for stopping by Trish.
Congratulations on your successful marriage. Nothing compares to a relationship that lasts the test of time along with life’s trials and tribulations. That is the dream and you are so lucky. And I bet you’re more than wholesome – not that there’s anything wrong with that, but we women are multi-dimensional!
Congrats on winning a signed copy of my book – I’ll be in touch by email to get your address.
Mary x
So glad your book is now published. I love the idea of using the goddesses names. I can’t believe the research you did into this. I think I would have been a little bit wary, but it certainly sounds very interesting. Are you not releasing it for Kindle, too? I only saw a paperback version on Amazon. Sooz
Thanks Susan,
I am releasing it on Kindle later – I’ll tweet when it’s up.
Delighted the idea appeals to you and you found the reserch interesting.
I could have written a full book on that topic alone, between my own dates and stories from friends.
Hope your book is flying it:)
I’ll be in touch re email, Susan.
Mary xx
I adore all Mary posts . I feel I have known her all my life. What attracted me to her site was the word Goddess. We are all Goddesses , as Mary will teach you. Never settle for less. I am longing to read her new book.
Ah thanks Susie. Yes that’s what this site is all about- the Goddess in everywoman. It’s the opposite of what the media suggests that we need to be size zero, age eighteen and be up to date on fashion. We may indeed love our style but we have the right to do it our way and that is whatever way any individual woman pleases. And indeed we don’t need a man to validate us. Great if we have one in our life but we don’t need one to make us feel complete. I’m glad so many women are resonating with this and connecting to their inner Goddess as you are. Mary xx
That’s really throwing yourself into your research, Mary! And I’m not all surprised about those younger men. My husband and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, beyond just a note or handmade card. We decided years ago it was simply another commercial holiday and that it didn’t reflect our worldview.
Recently, a Huffington Post blogger wrote a great piece on how simply moving to another country (Israel) suddenly made her “visible” again (she’s 48). According to her, none of the men there are caught up in the Size 0 search. I’ll send it along if I can find it again.
Hi Debra,
I don’t intend throwing myself into research for my next novel and you’ll know why when I hopefully release it next year. I am speaking to experts about the topic and it is another interesting one for women and part of the Goddess energy!
Yes ever since I was an adolescent in boarding school, I’ve hated the pressure Valentine’s Day seems to exert on women. Girls used to get their mothers to send them cards in scrawly writing to give the impression they had ‘a secret admirer’.
As to the younger men thing – I found it strange and didn’t meet any of them despite the occasional charmer who was well able to flirt and flatter. I still believe there’s a mother complex going on there and it doesn’t sit comfortably with me. I’ve had it from a few outside the world of internet dating and of course it makes me laugh.
I’d love to read the blog you mention.
Mary xx
I have been fortunate to know Mary for a little while. Her enthusiasm is refreshing and uplifting. This book – her first of many, represents her inspiring self – belief. It shines through like a beacon to the rest of us who aspire to be more in our daily lives. I love reading – it’s nectar for the soul. I have no doubts your book will keep my soul fulfilled long after I close the last page.
Ah Des you are so kind – thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I am equally inspired by your very wise posts on fB and twitter. It is so good to connect with men who understand and appreciate the idea of an inspirational novel and especially a Goddess one! I’m looking forward to your future book and hope to be of assistance in any way I can.
Mary xx
Dear Mary
This is the first time I’ve read your blog – do add me to your mailing list. Two years ago, a friend gave me the challenge of taking myself to a restaurant for a date by myself on Valentine’s Day. I did it and I felt pretty good about myself afterwards. I realised I don’t have to sing and dance for my date, just my presence is enough to start with.
Names are funny – I was told by a stranger that my handle on twitter @marykaterose showed my age – as if that was a bad thing.
I’m so glad you dropped by Kate. Good for you that you felt you need only be yourself – this is what the Goddess energy is all about. We are all perfect, whole and complete exactly as we are – forget what society tells us through advertising etc.
And you are correct, what is wrong with us being a particular age? No more than why should we be desperate to get a man? These are all archaic beliefs other people feel they can control women with and sometimes indeed women buy into them too. I love your attitude – well done you!
Mary xx
P.S.
Re. my mailing list – I can’t add you unless you subscribe, so look for the subscription box to the right on my site under my book. There is an etiquette about this (common to all sites) and this site is set up whereby you need to subscribe yourself. I don’t have permission to reply publicly to anyone who writes directly to me but does not willingly submit their email for my future use. I didn’t know this before I started here and my webmaster told me.
In the time I’ve known Mary I’ve come to greatly respect and admire her for her courage, strength and inner goodness. I haven’t read her book yet, but I know enough about her private life and things she’s been through to believe she has some important things to say. Mary seems a lovely soul, I’m proud to know her. (AND she’s Irish. 🙂 I was in Ireland recently, and came to have great respect for the people and that land.)
Thanks Harry,
That’s sweet. All our lives are eventful in some shape or form and some like me have the urge to write. Fiction is the perfect platform through which we can convert our angst into humour and heal as we do so.
Mary xx
Much obliged for such a cool post which is truly great written. I’ll be pointing a considerable number of companions this way. Continue blogging.
Hi Mary,
Just finished reading your novel and I must say it was truly heart-warming and really funny! I was really delighted with the ending, although I won’t mention it in case i ruin the ending for another potential reader!
I do hope you decide to write a sequel and continue Kates journey through life.
I wish you all the best in your future work! X